I love my mailman.  I love him because he brings me stuff.  Everyday I know that my mailman is going to fill my mailbox with all sorts of wonderful things.  Sometimes he brings me money.  More often he brings me offers to teach me how to get money in my mailbox.  He also brings me CDs from AOL.  Lots of CDs from AOL. Don't get me wrong.  I think the folks at AOL are wonderful people and I think that AOL is a wonderful product.  I just wonder about their thought process when it comes to Marketing.  If I didn't sign up for AOL after the first 37 disks, do they really think that number 38 is going to win me over? I keep all those disks.  They come in handy.  They are the ideal size to use as coasters.  I protect my furniture the AOL way.  The AOL disks are useful in the kitchen as well. We, here at "La Casa Mia" enjoy having big, juicy hamburgers for lunch on most Saturdays.  We buy burger by the boatload.  It is my job to make all the burgers and to pop them in the freezer so that they are ready to go when the red meat frenzy hits. I have discovered that those AOL disks really work well as dividers between frozen hamburgers.  No more hacking away at a mountain of frozen meat to separate just two burgers from the herd. Thank you Steve Case.  Anytime you are in San Francisco and get hungry for a super-duper burger with all the trimmings, you just come on by, and I'll pluck one from the freezer for you. There is one thing, however, about this ongoing parade of AOL disks, that concerns me.  Over the years I have noticed that the number of "free hours" with each disk has increased. My first AOL disk offered me five "free hours" until the meter dropped.  Then it was 20 hours, then 50, and ever upward from there. The AOL disk that my mailman brought me this week offered me 500 free hours to use in the first month.  Wow!  What a deal! I broke out the calculator that I got through a special offer from my credit card company and punched in a few numbers.  24 X 31 = 744.  There are 744 hours in a regulation 31-day month.  AOL is offering me 500 hours for free.  That leaves me with 244 hours to do with as I please.  My calculator tells me that I would have 7.8709677 hours per day to hold down a job, eat, sleep, and hopefully, bathe.  Whatever is left over after doing all of that I could spend sustaining my domestic relationship with Sweetie. I have decided to not accept AOL's offer.  If I were to avail myself of the 500 free hours I know that, at the end of that first month, I would be unemployed, malnourished, exhausted and smelling like a month old goat corpse.  And I'd be looking for a studio apartment somewhere.  Something suitable for a man no longer in a relationship. So, Dear Mr. Case: I appreciate your very generous offer.  Your many, many, many very generous offers.  But, please, there is no way I can do what you're asking of me.  It would ruin my life, and I would miss my mailman.  Of course, the offer on the burger still stands.  I'd love to show you what I'm doing with all of your disks.

I Love My Mailman