The Joy of Revenge
The Ultimate "How - To" Book
Here are a few "Chapters" from a wicked little book I had out a couple of years ago. If you would be interested in obtaining a copy of the entire thing, just drop me a line and we'll go out into the cavernous expanse of the Wordkraft Warehouse to inventory any remaining copies.
CAVEAT: For God's sake, don't do any of these things - you'll end up in jail!
1. "Those Hits Just Keep On Coming"
When I want to find out what's really going on in the world I head for the check-out counter at my local supermarket. There is where I can find all of the best in American tabloid journalism. They are also a good source for revenge ideas.
After you're finished reading all the stories about Elvis sightings and three-headed space babies, take some time to scour the back pages. The tabloid papers as well as other, more mainstream magazines and catalogs, are full of ads that can get your victims onto every mailing list this side of the International Date Line. The ads and coupons will get prompt responses, colorful brochures and free samples of all sorts of trash, winging its way toward your target's mailbox. I once got boxes of carpet samples and bags of rabbit food delivered to someone. They were completely mystified. They were even more confused by the follow-up phone calls from the suppliers wanting to know how they liked the free samples.
The beauty of this revenge is that it won't cost you much and it will give your victim an experience that will get them on an ever expanding carousel of mailing lists... forever and ever, Amen.
2. "Greetings From Carthage!"
The other night I was channel surfing and came across one of those movies about Ancient Rome. It told the story of the Punic Wars, an epic struggle between the legions of Rome and the city of Carthage. The Romans won, and their solution to the problem of Carthage regrouping to make another stab at conquering the Empire was very creative and the source of this revenge.
This may require a little bit of stealth and your victim's home address. No problem if you're dedicated and devious.
A little trip to the friendly neighborhood hardware store will get you all that you'll need - kerosene or rock salt.
When you're sure that your target isn't home and that the neighborhood watch is asleep or watching some PBS special on the tube, drop by for a visit.
If he or she is a gardener pour the kerosene or work the rock salt into the soil of their garden. Not only will it kill all of their plants like a gunshot but it will also prevent anything else from growing there for, say, the next 1000 years. You can also use this to permanently spell a variety of interesting words into their front lawn. Sort of like those mysterious crop circles, only permanent.
9. "Table For Four, Please"
I read somewhere that Americans eat about 40% of all their meals away from home. I'm lucky if I eat 40% of my meals sitting down. The Love of my Life is a great cook, but she has a real job, so I end up fending for myself on most meals. To me "Fresh" means that I remember opening the can.
This revenge really works well. Don't ask me how I know, just take my word for it.
A little innocent banter around the water cooler will help you to discover a lot about your intended victim, including his favorite restaurant. At your leisure give said restaurant a phone call pretending, of course, to be your target. Make some dinner reservations for, oh, six at seven. Naturally, being completely unaware of your helpful assistance, the mark will not show up for dinner. The restaurant will be upset, but call them up the next day to apologize and to make more reservations. No-show again? How inconsiderate can some people be? If you do this four or five times over a couple of weeks, when the sucker really calls in to make dinner arrangements the restaurant will tell him to jam it and to never darken their foyer again.
