My Inner Child has been grounded.  Like any child, my Inner Child can be a real pain in the can.  When I wasn't looking my Inner Child (coincidentally named John) scratched up one of my Tony Bennett records.  He also doesn't finish his vegetables. I'm almost embarrassed to tell people I know about his naughty behavior.  So, I tell them that I grounded him for staying out of body too late on a school night.  It seems more appropriate than something as mundane and midwestern as leftover Lima beans. I have to face it - my Inner Child is a brat.  He is not nice.  He uses bad language.  He does not work and play well with others. If I could I would send my Inner Child to one of those Military Schools that advertise in the Sunday New York Times.  The only problem is that I would have to go along with him and, at my age, I couldn't do pushups at gunpoint. Somehow I must learn to discipline my Inner Child.  Grounding doesn't really seem to work.  Corporal punishment is out of the question.  How would I explain the inner bruises?  People would talk and there would be no way of explaining my actions that wouldn't get me my own Newsgroup on the Internet. I've thought about withholding privileges.  But what can you take from someone who doesn't have anything except immediate access to everything south of your skin? I did sit down with him last night over dinner.  I tried to have a heart-to-heart talk with "Inner John".  He fidgeted and played with his food until I had to either let him leave the table or, I swear, I was going to smack him one upside the Id. When having to deal with my unruly Inner Child I realize that I face a problem that millions of others have faced over the years: I am a Single Parent. I went to a "Parents Without Partners" meeting.  When I explained my problem they threw me out.  They said that they felt I was nuts and just using their group as a way to meet women.  One problem at a time, please. I joined one of those "Men's Groups", an "Iron John" kind of thing.  They understood my situation.  They seemed to understand everyone's situations.  But I really don't think that the psychic cure-all involves donning eagle feathers and beating war drums.  If I were an Apache or a Cherokee maybe, I don't know.  I'm still looking for the Middle Aged, Lithuanian/American version of that.  Possibly eating a pound of piroshkis while watching football on TV? It's getting to the point where desperate measures may have to be taken.  I may have to have myself "scared straight".  I really don't relish spending the day inside a prison trying to get hardened criminals to understand that my problem is not me but the "me" inside of me.  I fear it may not be received all that well.  It may just unleash a whole new set of difficulties to explain claims to my HMO. My inner child is getting older.  Eventually he may just decide to leave home and strike out on his own.  When he does, I'm moving out of state.  I've had it.  The little dickens has ruined my social life.  If I'm out on a date he has been known to make some highly inappropriate comments and do things to embarrass me.  There is no way for a grown man to explain to his date why he has, out of the blue, started calling her "Hootchie Mama" and demonstrating his ability to put all the dinner rolls into his mouth at one time.  It's beyond me. If anyone who reads this has any good ideas about what I can do, please let me know.  I'm getting truly desperate.  Last night I think I heard my inner child listening to the Home Shopping Channel.

My Inner Child Has Been Grounded