I Got Your Census Form... Right Here!
   The other night my doorbell rang.  I looked outside and saw a young man with a backpack slung over his shoulder and a sheaf of papers with large areas that were roughly the orange-ish color of the "Creamsicles" of my youth.  I buzzed him into the building.

   I knew he would be coming.  He had left notes stuck in the gate saying so.  "Sorry I missed you".

   I knew he would be coming.  As I went to greet him I scooped up my handy-dandy micro-cassette tape recorder.  I hit the "record" button as the door swung open.

   "Hello, I'm 'So and So' from the Census.  I need to ask you some questions for the census."

    "I filled out the form and mailed it sometime ago."

   "We haven't received it."

   "Well, I followed instructions and placed the form in the hands of the Federal Government.  Perhaps you should check with the Post Office."

   I made sure that he could see the tape recorder.

   It had obviously been a tough day.  The young man had that "deer in the headlights look" about him.  In my part of town he probably had to contend with a lot of incoherence and verbal abuse from the leftover fried brained, ex-hippies and speed freaks that share the tree lined streets of San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury neighborhood, the belly of the Liberal beast.

   "Should I mark down that you refuse to answer the questions?"

   "You're going to mark down whatever you wish, young man.  I, however, have already answered the questions.  Therefore I am not refusing."

   He tensed up a bit and set his backpack down on the floor.  This was gonna take a while.

   "Look, I just have your name on a list of people to contact."

   "I'm sure that you do."

   "Would you answer a few 'background questions'?"

   "I've already answered all the questions I am obligated to answer."

   "Sir, I just have your name on my list.  I don't want to anger you."

   "You're not.  I'm not angry with you at all."  I smiled, he didn't.

   "But you won't answer any of the questions?"

   "Of course I will.  I already have.  My legal obligation ended when I put the completed form into the mail box.  So, you see, I am in complete compliance with the law and in co-operation with the Federal Government.  If you can't find the form, that is, as they say, your problem and not mine."

   You know how the little windows on a slot machine look as the reels spin madly behind the glass?  By this time that is what it looked like behind the young man's wire rimmed specs.

   "So, you're not going to answer any of the questions?"

   Yes, I have.  Completely and in full compliance with the law.  The law doesn't say that I have to answer them twice."

   "Well, thank you, sir, and good night."  He reached for his pack and hoisted it up onto his shoulder.  He slipped his pen into his breast pocket.  He wouldn't look at me any longer.

   "OK.  You have a nice evening, young man, and take care."

   In full view I hit the stop button on my tape recorder.  I smiled and waved as he started down the steps toward the front door.

   Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.  Some days it does.  I can't speak for the Census Bureau Rent-A-Dweeb, but it was a good day for me.
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